Selftraining’s Weblog

I went out of my way to cheer up my husband.  I planned a “playdate” for him- something I’d love the opportunity to do…

I scheduled a massage for him after work and called his friends and got them to invite him out for the night & to stay night with one of them so he could sleep all night and sleep in as late as he wanted.

Here’s the deal…his dad is dying.  He’s been working half days and taking care of his dad (doc visits, etc) the rest of the time- including spending nights.  On the weekends he’s at home with us- but he’s never really home- he’s on the phone with other caregivers or stressed about current circumstances.

My plan was to make sure he was actually home this weekend- that he was relaxed and happy and had positive stories to share with us.  I wanted him to have patience with the babies and really play with them.  We planned to take them to have their photos done with Santa- this will be their first Christmas.  I made chili & cookies this morning…I stayed up late putting the Christmas tree up last night so we  could decorate it together tonight.  Everything was set for a regular “Martha Stewart” day until my dreams exploded with one call.

I called to check on him this morning- he wasn’t at the promised location…fine, I wasn’t going to call his cell until noon because I didn’t want to wake him.  At 11:45am he called (voicemail because I was feeding the babies) to tell me he’d been taking care of his dad this morning and that there were many tasks to do and then he’d be home late afternoon. I was crushed. All plans ruined.

I felt like dumping the chili in the trash, throwing the cookies off the porch and screaming.  I cried. I actually sobbed in front of my babies.  I never have energy to cry anymore…but I had such high hopes for a great day after so many gloomy ones.

Before anyone judges me…I’ve been unbelievably understanding these last 2 months. I’ve managed the babies alone more often than not. I’ve had the worst month at work in my entire career due mainly to the massive layoffs.  I’ve done all the household chores- all of them! I’ve had very little rest with working until midnight many nights after putting the babies to sleep. I’ve championed many sleepless nights with sick babies.  BUT, now I’m tired. I want something to go my way. I want a happy husband. I want a break.

I’ve been let down and I’ve had to report it.  The reporting led to further discomfort having to explain it to the letter downer. I must move forward but I’m stuck in the middle of the mess created by the letter downer. My forehead is beginning to show signs of bruising from all the frustrated faces and forehead rubbing.

I need comfort…I need peace….I need this day to be over.

I’m in a hurry to get things done
Oh I rush and rush until life’s no fun
All I really gotta do is live and die
But I’m in a hurry and don’t know why

Don’t know why I have to drive so fast
My car has nothing to prove
It’s not new
But it’ll do zero to sixty in five point two

I’m in a hurry to get things done
Oh I rush and rush until life’s no fun
All I really gotta do is live and die
But I’m in a hurry and don’t know why

Can’t be late, I leave in plenty of time
Shakin’ hands with the clock
I can’t stop
I’m on a roll and I’m ready to rock

I’m in a hurry to get things done
Oh I rush and rush until life’s no fun
All I really gotta do is live and die
But I’m in a hurry and don’t know why

Oh, I hear a voice
That says I’m running behind
Better pick up my pace
It’s a race and there ain’t no room for someone in second place

I’m in a hurry to get things done
Oh I rush and rush until life’s no fun
All I really gotta do is live and die
But I’m in a hurry and don’t know why

-Alabama

In one week I will be without my babies for 2.5 days!  They will leave to go to my MIL’s on Friday at 5:30am(as usual…well now it’s usual as I’m back to work full time) and I won’t see them again until Sunday afternoon.  I’m so scared and excited I can’t even explain it.  I feel like a TERRIBLE mother for being excited and a TERRIBLE mother for leaving them for more than 48 hours…I can’t even understand my feelings.

Here’s the thing- we had our 5 year wedding anniversary (we’ve been together over 12 years) in August and we didn’t celebrate.  We exchanged cards but that was the extent of it.  But, my sneaky husband told me about this trip we’d be taking- he’d rented a cabin for a night…but it wasn’t until Sept 20th- worlds away.  He’d arranged childcare and dog-care…so sweet and thoughtful.  It wasn’t until this week that I realized that meant leaving the babies for 48+ hours.  I’ve laid awake 2 nights now stressing about this.  I know it will be good for me BUT-for some reason-I feel the need to fight everything.  I fought childcare, babysitters, leaving the house, etc forever!  I want to be alone.  I want to be alone with my husband. I want to sleep. I want to clear my head. BUT, I wanted a baby too- and I got TWO instead of too.  So, I feel conflicted over leaving them.

They will be 6.5+ months old.  They will be with my MIL who takes care of them 3-4 days a week.  They will be safe.  What on earth is my problem?

Can someone please tell me that they did this and that it’s a good thing….and that they’d do it again the second they got the opportunity!@!?!?!?!

I’m tired for so many reasons!

I work too much- more than I am supposed to (nearly full time when I was part time and now full time).  There is always something that needs immediate attention even when I’m off the clock.  I’m exhausted by my coworkers and have little patience with them.

I’ve been very sick- with mastitis- and I haven’t had a chance to catch up on rest to feel better yet.

One of the boys was up every 20mins last night and we got very little sleep.

There’s never any downtime- I get up, pump, shower, warm bottles, get babies up, dress/change, feed, play, breakfast on my way to work or when I’m booting up.  Then 5pm I log off, play with babies, start bottles warming, start dinner (or send message to hubby to grab Chinese bc I just can handle everything tonight), feed babies, hold babies, put babies to sleep, eat dinner while running upstairs every few minutes to fetch pacifier for fussy baby who has pushed it out of crib….then it’s nearly 9pm and time to make 8 bottles for the following day, unload and load bottles, pet dogs, pump, crawl into bed and pray for peace.

BUT, I think we are lucky at this stage…I actually think we get more sleep/rest than most which is insane. 

I will be turning in my Cadillac medela pump at the end of the month (18 more days to go) and I’m so excited.  I was telling my husband about how I would spend that free time each day and what dairy foods I would eat first and how hugging wouldn’t hurt anymore and and and…he burst out laughing- it appears that I’m happier than a child on Christmas morning.  I am so glad that I finally have an end date and that I’ve accepted it and I just can’t wait for the FREEDOM!

One more thing that my tiredness affects- my memory! I can’t remember anything….can’t remember what I meant to blog about (that happens every day) soooo I rarely blog!

Another thing…my friends- I keep meaning to call T to find out how her dad is and if J&R really are preg a 3rd time.  I keep meaning to ask L about her experience when she stopped pumping.  I keep meaning to write the twin group with the list of restaurants for our next meeting. I keep meaning to tell one of my friends that I’m worried about him and to let him know I care. I keep meaning to send the adorable personalized plate I bought for my friends baby the month he was born (he’s 11mths old now!). I keep meaning to think about who I haven’t kept up with and give them a call….

And I keep meaning to child-safe the house….doc told us today that NOW is the time and we must make it happen. Crap!

When I am with my boys I am a mother…

My twins are 6 months old today!  When I am with them everything seems perfect.  When the four of us are together we are a regular picket fence family BUT, when I go to work…well, here’s the thing, I don’t always feel like a mother.  Is that normal?

When I am deep in a project or doing one of my 3.5 hour call blitzes, I don’t think of the babies.  I morph back into my old self…is that normal?  Should I feel like a mother all the time or is it ok to feel like just me every now and then.

The other night I had the best time with 3 other twin mommies.  We went out to dinner downtown and chatted for a couple hours- mostly about our babies but about other things too.  I had so much fun and I felt like myself again even though conversation swirled around the fact that we all have children.  I felt almost giddy as I mentally skipped back to my car and back to my house full of motherhood…so here’s an epiphany….perhaps being a mother and being “myself” are starting to merge into one…or perhaps I make zero sense because it’s been another sleepless night.

In other news…last count had me down 72 pounds….still holding out for the big 75!

What is dinner like in your house? 

When I was growing up, we had every meal together (as a family) at the kitchen or dining room table.  We set the table, brought the food, said grace…the whole 9 yards.  Then we sat and discussed the day, the news, the weather, etc.  The candles were lit at dinner time.  It was a wonderful time for us and I am so grateful that my parents were so strict about always eating together- it made us a stronger family.

Now, 12 years into our relationship and 5 years married, I almost always get my husband to the table for dinner.  In the summer (when it’s not too hot) we eat on the deck.  The table is never set before dinner.  There are rarely napkins on the table. The candles are lit 10-20x out of 365- mostly the citronella torches when needed.  Prior to the babies we would talk about our day, the news, the weather, etc.  Now, we don’t talk- we eat as fast as we can to make sure we have a chance to eat before the babies start crying- rarely stopping to breathe.

Last night was different- it was wonderful!  The babies were asleep and it was about 8:30pm before dinner was ready.  We were talking and my husband asked a question- “You are on a deserted island for the rest of your life- what food type do you choose?”  Being the questioner myself I said “As in ‘vegetables’ or ‘corn’?”  Then the questions continued for 20+ minutes and we were laughing the whole time.

You have to choose one for the rest of your life and the other item will never exist again:

Rice or soybeans

Vegetables or meat

Trees or grass

Doors or windows

Cars or planes

Milk or alcohol

Sand or wind

Men or women- If you are a man and you choose women, you’d be the only man in the whole world. Would you be treated as a king or a servant? Would you survive even 10 seconds?

So, what are dinners like at your house?  Do you have any entertaining ideas for me?

(Sorry I’ve been MIA…just tired)

Fear seems to have entered my life with a vengeance.  Two weeks ago someone broke into our backyard (through 2 locks) and stole my husbands bike.  The back gate was left open and my dogs could have run off!  Luckily, every morning my husband follows them down to make sure they do there business outside rather than inside by the doggie door.  Yep, we have a doggie door that stays open and our dogs are ~45 pounds each sooooo a child could fit through (or a small criminal I suppose).  My husband had the police at our door in 15minutes to file a report and survey any damage.

Our back gate is now sealed with a short chain and padlock.  Our fear is more related to the dogs getting out and getting hit by a car than losing a bike.  We close the doggie door each night now.  We changed the locks on the back door so that it requires a key to unlock from inside and outside.

Earlier this week there was a man at the door- he rang the doorbell- I ignored him.  I had just gotten one baby to sleep and was rocking the other, it was around 5pm (nap time).  I NEVER answer the door AND I have a sign up that reads “No solicitors, DO NOT RING THE DOORBELL unless you are FedEx/UPS.”  My neighbors all have my number and they know to call first.  When the doorbell is rung my dogs go completely nuts which now wakes up the babies.  After 1minute he just started pushing the doorbell- 3 rings in 2 seconds probably.  Now I decided there must be an emergency so I ran to the door with a baby in tow.  I opened the door to a worthless piece of #$%$# trying to give me a raffle ticket for free groceries.  It was a scam to collect my personal information.  I pointed to the sign and asked him to read it.  He said he hadn’t seen it- it’s right beside the doorbell and in bold red letters.  I said, “Read it”….he said “I’m not soliciting….blah blah raffle blah” I said ” It is against the law to solicit here” He said “No it isn’t! I have a certificate to solicit.”  He was raising his voice at me and started to make me super nervous. I told him to get off my property and closed the door in his face with him still yelling at me.  A quick call to two neighbors told me that they’d had the same experience and one was so scared she’d gotten her gun and was now wearing it on her pants.  She’d seen him take off in a shiny black Navigator with a driver…like a getaway car!

Fast forward 2 days. I’m cooking, hubby is watching TV, babies are finally asleep. HUGE CRASH at the front of the house.  I take off towards the nursery, there’s no way the babies could have gotten out of the cribs!  Hubby runs to the front window.  A group of our local teenagers are playing football in the street again and have just slammed the ball into our garage door.  Hubby goes out to investigate and gets nearly accosted by the kids! They are talking back to him and saying “it’s no big deal blah blah blah.” Hubby is pissed! The confrontation gets heated until one of the kids realizes they should leave and gets the bad kid to get out of my husband’s face.

Why is all of this happening now? Is it the economy?  We live in a nice neighborhood (all houses less than 4 years old) but I have noticed many houses for sale stating “bank owned” which tells me they are foreclosures…is my neighborhood destined to become a “bad area?”  Have you noticed any changes in your area that might be due to the economy?

What makes the perfect husband?  How do you measure the perfection?  Is it the breakfast in bed on weekends, the flowers every once in awhile, beautiful jewelry, or the trash going out without you asking?  Perhaps your husband does none of those things- perhaps it’s just having him beside you at the dinner table each night, or watching him play with your children and seeing true happiness in his face.

What makes the perfect wife? How do you measure the perfection?  Is it a hot meal every night when you return from work, never having to do a load of laundry, or birthday cards going to all your family without you having to remember a thing?

I started thinking about this when I read the following blog entry: http://www.childsplayx2.com/2008/06/married-with-children-2.html

This man, a father of twins, loves his wife and on their anniversary he is reflecting on their wedding vows and their relationship.  The entry was so well written and so honest but it seems a bit like New Years Resolutions to me…you only think of them once a year.  I hope that I reflect on my marriage and our relationship more than once a year- I believe I do. 

I love my husband and he was the perfect pick for me BUT I can’t give you a clear list of all the reasons why.  I can tell you he never brings me flowers (because he’s color blind and I’m a flower snob…at least that’s how I explain it to myself), he never brings me breakfast in bed (except for my 3.5 months on bed-rest), he bought me jewelry once- an engagement ring (which has since been lost) and he never took out the trash before the twins arrived.  He does make me laugh.  He always cleans his plate- though sometimes out of sheer hunger rather than enjoyment of my cooking.  He makes our babies laugh.  He’s started cutting the grass and taking out the trash without me asking.  His smile is gorgeous and when he’s happy it makes me happy.  He makes me feel safe and his confidence is contagious.

I love him because he’s proud of me.  For example: Last weekend I sent him a text just after weighing in at weight watchers: “I lost 3 more pounds!” He responded: “You are superwoman.”  Today I sent him a text message: “I made rep of the month at work.”  He responded: “You are my hero.”

What makes you love your spouse?  Is it clear cut?  Do you know exactly why? Do you wonder why?