Husband & Wife
What makes the perfect husband? How do you measure the perfection? Is it the breakfast in bed on weekends, the flowers every once in awhile, beautiful jewelry, or the trash going out without you asking? Perhaps your husband does none of those things- perhaps it’s just having him beside you at the dinner table each night, or watching him play with your children and seeing true happiness in his face.
What makes the perfect wife? How do you measure the perfection? Is it a hot meal every night when you return from work, never having to do a load of laundry, or birthday cards going to all your family without you having to remember a thing?
I started thinking about this when I read the following blog entry: http://www.childsplayx2.com/2008/06/married-with-children-2.html
This man, a father of twins, loves his wife and on their anniversary he is reflecting on their wedding vows and their relationship. The entry was so well written and so honest but it seems a bit like New Years Resolutions to me…you only think of them once a year. I hope that I reflect on my marriage and our relationship more than once a year- I believe I do.
I love my husband and he was the perfect pick for me BUT I can’t give you a clear list of all the reasons why. I can tell you he never brings me flowers (because he’s color blind and I’m a flower snob…at least that’s how I explain it to myself), he never brings me breakfast in bed (except for my 3.5 months on bed-rest), he bought me jewelry once- an engagement ring (which has since been lost) and he never took out the trash before the twins arrived. He does make me laugh. He always cleans his plate- though sometimes out of sheer hunger rather than enjoyment of my cooking. He makes our babies laugh. He’s started cutting the grass and taking out the trash without me asking. His smile is gorgeous and when he’s happy it makes me happy. He makes me feel safe and his confidence is contagious.
I love him because he’s proud of me. For example: Last weekend I sent him a text just after weighing in at weight watchers: “I lost 3 more pounds!” He responded: “You are superwoman.” Today I sent him a text message: “I made rep of the month at work.” He responded: “You are my hero.”
What makes you love your spouse? Is it clear cut? Do you know exactly why? Do you wonder why?
Hi there!
I haven’t stopped blogging, I just haven’t been inspired to write. My twins are teething so I’ve been getting less sleep and my stress level is too high to think creative thoughts.
More soon…
Hi Honey!
Hi Honey!
I started this blog a few weeks ago…in an attempt to give myself another outlet for talking/venting/seeking advice/etc. I thought it made sense to keep it a “secret” much like my little pink striped journal when I was a child. After much consideration, and some insight from “Look Daddy”- http://www.lookydaddy.com/weblog/ - I’ve decided to share my blog with you.
I do hope you enjoy it…
Overachievers
*Disclaimer- I do NOT mean to offend anyone with this post! I look up to my friends who are sahms and wonder how the hell they can do it. I am impressed with women who can make their decisions about breastfeeding, working and childcare without a second thought and without feeling guilty…I want to be like you ladies!
Today was a rough day at the office…I started working 3 days a week about a month ago (after being out for 6months on bedrest and then caring for my newborn twins).
While I was out:I got a(nother) new boss- I think my 8th in 3 years. Our suite of services got revamped. Our pricing completely changed. My sales team lost a few key players and gained a bunch of new faces. Team morale went from good to not so good.
So, here I am, returning to a job I loved and that I was DAMN good at…and it’s not what it used to be. AND, I’m not what I used to be! I used to be an OVERACHIEVER in every sense of the word. I wanted to have the most calls of anyone on my team, I wanted to close more deals than anyone, I wanted to get my face in front of all the prospects at conferences all over the US. My husband would come home from work (sometimes as late ast 7:30pm) and find me still working almost every day. My hours were always 830am-5pm but somewhere along the way I started working overtime and it drove my husband nuts….BUT I wanted to be the best!
Everything is different now- I don’t want to travel at all (how do I pump and store the milk while at a networking conference?), I can’t work late ever because the nanny works from 8am to 5 sharp, I’m ok making less calls and closing fewer deals after all I only work 3 days a week now.
Here’s the thing- I still expect myself to be the best and so do others. I still want to work late even though I can’t. AND even worse I’m still not sure I want to be working at all! My husband said that if I wanted to be a sahm, we’d make it work…he’d get a second job and work nights and weekends. Though I am touched by his sincere promise, I couldn’t bare the idea of making him work more hours and have him away from the babies (and me) more than he already is- and he’d have to work a TON to make up for my income or to even get us to a break even point. I also don’t know if I could survive as a sahm…I think I’d go NUTZ! I love the hunt and kill of a sale…and I need it to build up my soul (ok I know crazy salesperson here) and feel worthy as a breadwinner. I love my babies more than anything in the whole world but I’m not sure I’m good at taking care of babies 24/7…and I fear I’d be doing them a dis-service by not working (I want to prove to them and myself that I can do EVERYTHING….when will I stop feeling that way?).
Why is there so much pressure on women- to be a sahm, to keep working, to want to be a sahm, to juggle career and kids, to breastfeed, to get back in shape right away, to sleep 1 hour a night and still get up and shower and put on makeup???? I was an overachiever in my former life. Now, I am not quite sure what I am. I do know that I am WAY TO HARD on myself but only because people tell me that every 5 minutes (I’m trying to listen to you all, I promise). My husband says I need at least an hour to myself every day to decompress or do whatever the hell I want- so far I haven’t figured that out- I made progress yesterday and went out on the porch, closed the door, popped open a beer and read my book for 30 uninterrupted minutes (necessity seeing that I joined a book club and have until Saturday to read 480+ pages!!!)
How can I train myself to accept myself just the way I am? How can I take it easy on myself and settle for less than perfect? I’ve stopped making the bed every morning. The laundry doesn’t get folded or put away the day it’s done…sometimes bibs go from dryer to baby without being put away inbetween! I want to make decisions and be happy with them. I want to be good at my job, spend enough time with my babies, learn how to be a great mom and enjoy my marriage. Is that too much to ask?
Choosing friends
Have you ever wondered why you have the friends you have? Choosing friends is much like choosing a spouse, right? I met my husband 12+ years ago and he’s independent, confident, strong, funny, handsome, etc- an all around stellar pick. Every friend I had (up to about 3 years ago) has been nothing like him- I always chose needy, crazy, clingy, needy, down-on-their luck, baaaad, mis-behaving, crazy, strange people to be my friends. My mother and my (now) husband always warned me about the friends I made and they were almost always right- I’m a “fixer” (isn’t that what you said fellowtwinmom?) and a “helper” and it’s exhausting. I was taken advantage of, walked on, dumped on, and basically used by my friends for years and I’m not sure why I kept up the cycle. I had perfectly normal friends until I went to private school in 5th grade and now I have wonderful, insightful, delightful, confident, beautiful friends and I wonder why they want to be my friends…I feel so lucky it’s absurd.
I seem to have totally cut out my needy friends since the twins arrived- partly due to exhaustion on my part and partly due to the fact that I wasn’t helping them so they stopped calling! I love my new friends and I feel so much healthier about my relationships.
What are your friends like? Do you set yourself up for abuse and take it?
Weight Watchers
I can’t tell you how important weight watchers is to me. I’ve found the right group! I go at 8:30 Saturday mornings now and it’s jam packed- and with people just like me! There are so many moms and dads who know exactly what I’m going through. We shared our successes today and there were so many- I lost 2.6 pounds last week which is unbelievable considering I thought I’d lapsed. I’m up to 12.2 lost since restarting ww a few weeks ago- and 60+ pounds lost in total. I have four pounds left to go to get to my pre-preggo weight which does NOT equal pre-preggo body for sure.
BUT, here’s the most important reason why I love weight watchers- the people! Yes, I go to the meetings every week. I have to go for the accountability and I need to stay for the support. Today, as I looked around I realized something interesting. There is always a lifetime member who looks AWESOME- and I want to be her/him. There is always a new member who needs help- and I want to share my tips. There is always someone 2-3x my size- and I never want to be them. AND there is always someone just like me- and their ideas help me.
Today there was a man- close to 350-400 pounds I’d guess- and he shared that he’d cut out soda last week and drank only water (with one splurge of a single diet coke). I was so impressed that he was there (and with his very overweight tween/teen daughter as well)- and that he’d mustered the courage to come out and join. He is a very redneck/slow guy and seemed to be lacking in the socialization department- BUT, he came! He cares enough about himself and his family to make a difference. HE lost 3 pounds last week and he didn’t think he did very well. OMG! I lost 2.6 and I was floored by my success. Typically after the first 2-3 weeks you see losses of 1 pound or less (which is healthy). I hope he stays in this group because I can’t wait to watch his success!
I hate myself and other delightful feelings.
*warning-graphic description*
I don’t really hate myself BUT my husband thinks I do. I pump for my twins five times a day and my husband is home during at least one of those times. I usually meet him in the bathroom around 1030pm just after my final pumping and we brush our teeth together- gotta love double sinks! My body has been changing so much since having twins 4 months ago and I am always freakishly infatuated with the sight of my torso.
At first it was the zebra like stretch mark stripes and then it was the low hanging skin on my left side and now it is mostly the kangaroo like shelf of skin that hangs…apparently weight loss makes it look even worse! So around 1030pm, when we meet to brush our teeth, I check myself out in the wall of mirror and comment on the delightful sight. I don’t say things to get him to comment, I simply cannot believe the sight of my body…I’m not even at the point of depression or sadness over it…I’m simply SHOCKED that it’s actually ME that I’m looking at.
DH says I beat myself up and I need to be nicer to myself. I’m not sure I’ve ever been nice to myself and I’m not sure I’ll ever live up to my own standards. Now, that’s depressing. How do you like your body?
Listen & Don’t Complain
There are two things that I desperately need to learn. I need how to “just listen” and I need to learn not to complain to certain people.
I need to just listen when people are venting to me. I can’t listen to someone tell me how evil someone is to them and then go out and beat up the evil person. I can’t fight battles for other people no matter how much I want to protect them. I wasn’t asked to protect anyone. I wasn’t asked to solve anything. I was simply asked to l.i.s.t.e.n. It’s just so hard! I found myself comparing it to the twins- if one of my sons comes home from school telling me about a bully who hurt them or said mean things, I’d want to go punch that kid and scream at his mom/dad for raising him/her that way. My husband says I can’t do that. He says I’d have to train them how to throw a punch / how to fight. He said they have to fight their own battles (instigating the bully to throw the first punch and then beat the sh*t out of him/her)…are you kidding??? Me not protect and defend MY babies??? That’s how I feel about my friends and family when they tell me about bad things that have happened to them. How do you just listen and give sage advice? Can you really just listen and take no action?
Don’t complain. Did you know that you shouldn’t complain about certain things to certain people? Ok, I’m learning. I’m trying to build my relationship with my MIL- and it’s always been strained (to say the least). So we are playing “friends” and she asks me how things are going and how her son (my husband) is doing with everything. We chatter about and I mention frustrations- he’s not doing this, he’s doing that, he’s trrrrrying, he’s not listening, he’s doing this wrong, he’ll learn eventually…So apparently I’ve crossed the sacred line- you never complain about a child to his mother…her fangs will come out and she’ll bury you. BUT he’s mmmmmy husband and the father of mmmmmmy children….so does she really still have any “ownership?” Ok, I get it- convert it to someone saying something about my babies to me. I get it! I just never ever knew it! I need to work on my relationship BUT that doesn’t mean I can be totally honest with her. We can’t ever be real friends…must learn “arms length.”
Now, you tell me- can you listen? Do you complain?
57 pounds lost
I NEVER dreamed I’d be one of those people to say “I lost 57 pounds in 2008.” The truth is I’ve now lost at least 57 pounds in 2008 and hope to lose another 10-20 in the next couple months. I’ve been going to weight watchers for 5 years now (on and off) and it always cracks me up to read the employee name tags- “Hi I’m Jan and I lost 90 pounds in 1999.” I was never going to be one of thooooosssseeee people…but EUREKA I am one of those people now!
I have struggled with my weight for years! When I was in highschool it was COOL to be anorexic so at 18 and 5ft 10 I weighed in at 125 which was still considered “fat.” I did a sport every season and on the weekends I would run (for fun) with my friends and then binge on salad with vinegar. My first year of college was the best ever- I started eating out (and drinking) and went from a size 4 to a size 14 in one school year!! Over the years I regained control and during my first year out of college I was a “lifetime” member at weight watchers and looked awesome! The only problem is that I think that NOW and I didn’t think that THEN. My husband says I need to stop beating myself up…but that’s for another post.
Back to the BIG 57. I had a big help- I expelled 2 babies, a placenta and lots of blood and water. And I have been breastfeeding/pumping for 4 months now (not to mention that I’m always juggling two babies and don’t have much time to eat). I did get back on weight watchers 3 weeks ago when I started to plateau and I lost 8 pounds right away. Now I have about 8 pounds to go before my pre-preggo weight.
So here’s the deal- weight watchers works for me, it always has and hopefully it always will. I have to write down everything I eat or else I will LIE to myself about what I’ve eaten and I will cheat. But the other thing is that I really really have to WANT to lose weight and commit to it or else I will be wasting my time.
Finally I’m a Big Loser…big…HUGE! Go me!
