Selftraining’s Weblog

In one week I will be without my babies for 2.5 days!  They will leave to go to my MIL’s on Friday at 5:30am(as usual…well now it’s usual as I’m back to work full time) and I won’t see them again until Sunday afternoon.  I’m so scared and excited I can’t even explain it.  I feel like a TERRIBLE mother for being excited and a TERRIBLE mother for leaving them for more than 48 hours…I can’t even understand my feelings.

Here’s the thing- we had our 5 year wedding anniversary (we’ve been together over 12 years) in August and we didn’t celebrate.  We exchanged cards but that was the extent of it.  But, my sneaky husband told me about this trip we’d be taking- he’d rented a cabin for a night…but it wasn’t until Sept 20th- worlds away.  He’d arranged childcare and dog-care…so sweet and thoughtful.  It wasn’t until this week that I realized that meant leaving the babies for 48+ hours.  I’ve laid awake 2 nights now stressing about this.  I know it will be good for me BUT-for some reason-I feel the need to fight everything.  I fought childcare, babysitters, leaving the house, etc forever!  I want to be alone.  I want to be alone with my husband. I want to sleep. I want to clear my head. BUT, I wanted a baby too- and I got TWO instead of too.  So, I feel conflicted over leaving them.

They will be 6.5+ months old.  They will be with my MIL who takes care of them 3-4 days a week.  They will be safe.  What on earth is my problem?

Can someone please tell me that they did this and that it’s a good thing….and that they’d do it again the second they got the opportunity!@!?!?!?!

I’m tired for so many reasons!

I work too much- more than I am supposed to (nearly full time when I was part time and now full time).  There is always something that needs immediate attention even when I’m off the clock.  I’m exhausted by my coworkers and have little patience with them.

I’ve been very sick- with mastitis- and I haven’t had a chance to catch up on rest to feel better yet.

One of the boys was up every 20mins last night and we got very little sleep.

There’s never any downtime- I get up, pump, shower, warm bottles, get babies up, dress/change, feed, play, breakfast on my way to work or when I’m booting up.  Then 5pm I log off, play with babies, start bottles warming, start dinner (or send message to hubby to grab Chinese bc I just can handle everything tonight), feed babies, hold babies, put babies to sleep, eat dinner while running upstairs every few minutes to fetch pacifier for fussy baby who has pushed it out of crib….then it’s nearly 9pm and time to make 8 bottles for the following day, unload and load bottles, pet dogs, pump, crawl into bed and pray for peace.

BUT, I think we are lucky at this stage…I actually think we get more sleep/rest than most which is insane. 

I will be turning in my Cadillac medela pump at the end of the month (18 more days to go) and I’m so excited.  I was telling my husband about how I would spend that free time each day and what dairy foods I would eat first and how hugging wouldn’t hurt anymore and and and…he burst out laughing- it appears that I’m happier than a child on Christmas morning.  I am so glad that I finally have an end date and that I’ve accepted it and I just can’t wait for the FREEDOM!

One more thing that my tiredness affects- my memory! I can’t remember anything….can’t remember what I meant to blog about (that happens every day) soooo I rarely blog!

Another thing…my friends- I keep meaning to call T to find out how her dad is and if J&R really are preg a 3rd time.  I keep meaning to ask L about her experience when she stopped pumping.  I keep meaning to write the twin group with the list of restaurants for our next meeting. I keep meaning to tell one of my friends that I’m worried about him and to let him know I care. I keep meaning to send the adorable personalized plate I bought for my friends baby the month he was born (he’s 11mths old now!). I keep meaning to think about who I haven’t kept up with and give them a call….

And I keep meaning to child-safe the house….doc told us today that NOW is the time and we must make it happen. Crap!