Selftraining’s Weblog

There are two things that I desperately need to learn.  I need how to “just listen” and I need to learn not to complain to certain people.

I need to just listen when people are venting to me.  I can’t listen to someone tell me how evil someone is to them and then go out and beat up the evil person.  I can’t fight battles for other people no matter how much I want to protect them.  I wasn’t asked to protect anyone.  I wasn’t asked to solve anything.  I was simply asked to l.i.s.t.e.n.  It’s just so hard!  I found myself comparing it to the twins- if one of my sons comes home from school telling me about a bully who hurt them or said mean things, I’d want to go punch that kid and scream at his mom/dad for raising him/her that way.  My husband says I can’t do that.  He says I’d have to train them how to throw a punch / how to fight.  He said they have to fight their own battles (instigating the bully to throw the first punch and then beat the sh*t out of him/her)…are you kidding??? Me not protect and defend MY babies???  That’s how I feel about my friends and family when they tell me about bad things that have happened to them.  How do you just listen and give sage advice?  Can you really just listen and take no action? 

Don’t complain.  Did you know that you shouldn’t complain about certain things to certain people?  Ok, I’m learning.  I’m trying to build my relationship with my MIL- and it’s always been strained (to say the least).  So we are playing “friends” and she asks me how things are going and how her son (my husband) is doing with everything.  We chatter about and I mention frustrations- he’s not doing this, he’s doing that, he’s trrrrrying, he’s not listening, he’s doing this wrong, he’ll learn eventually…So apparently I’ve crossed the sacred line- you never complain about a child to his mother…her fangs will come out and she’ll bury you.  BUT he’s mmmmmy husband and the father of mmmmmmy children….so does she really still have any “ownership?”  Ok, I get it- convert it to someone saying something about my babies to me.  I get it!  I just never ever knew it!  I need to work on my relationship BUT that doesn’t mean I can be totally honest with her.  We can’t ever be real friends…must learn “arms length.”

Now, you tell me- can you listen? Do you complain?

Welcome to my new blog.  I am a new mother, a wife, a daughter, a sister and a friend. 

I’ve realized recently that life is a series of training sessions where you ultimately learn how to be better at who you are and what you do.  I have 4 month old twins and I love them to pieces…but as I try to train them to follow a schedule I realize that I am spending an awful lot of time training myself- how to follow their lead, how to organize two additional lives, how to keep up my relationships with my husband, family and friends.  I honestly had no idea what it was like to be a parent and I think I was rather cold-hearted when it came to my colleagues who are parents.  I had no idea what it was like to have no freedom and no time to do anything you did prior to children.

I keep a rather in-depth website for the twins- with pictures, stats, journal entries, etc. and I found myself needing another outlet.  The twin website is for family & friends to follow and learn what we are up to- good and bad- and to leave notes.  I learned recently that I have a few silent readers (family members) who use the website to fuel their jealousy and to use as blackmail against us.  For example- “I understand your wife took the boys to see her parents last week- why didn’t she come see me?  Why does your wife hate me.”  This came from a conversation my dh had with his father this past week…his father who has NEVER come up to see the twins and who spends his life keeping score and dishing out guilt trips.  Now, he has sent us $600 since the boys have arrived and has purchased 2 cases of formula for us…that’s what he does- he buys things / sends money and thinks that entitles him to something!!!

Let me just say- I took my twins to my parents so they could babysit them when I went to the doctor.  I don’t take them 1.5hrs away just “for fun” because packing up all of their things and enough bottles, diapers for a day…not to mention ruining their sleep/eat/play schedule…is no fun!  Honestly though, do I have to justify why I do the things I do with my babies on my days off?  My family come to visit and HELP all the time…

Anyway…this is a start.  And I’m trying to train myself on the value of being patient and kind to those who are evil and vindictive…help me out!