Selftraining’s Weblog

Today I’ve talked to 4 friends about weight.  One made me feel good, one made me feel bad, one was just right and one I upset.  Why is weight such a touchy subject?

I’m not perfect. I’m not underweight, I’m finally not totally overweight, but I’m also not “just right” yet.  When I talk to friends the first thing they ask is “How are the boys?” and the second thing they ask is “How’s Weight Watchers going?”  I am not obssessed with my weight- I don’t have the energy or time to be obssessed BUT I am very aware of it as I always have been.  Weight Watchers is my “thing” and it’s how I hold myself accountable for my health…it doesn’t work for everyone and not everyone needs it.

I know that I will never think I am “just right” when I am.  I look back at pictures from highschool and I am SHOCKED at how underweight I was and how damn great I looked (by society’s standards).  I only wish I thought I looked good then…I always thought I was overweight no matter what.  I didn’t even think my skinny size 6 ass was good enough when I got married…and now I wonder how I ever looked that good.

I don’t ever expect to be less than a 10 again- and I don’t need to be!  I’m looking forward to being a 12 and then a 10 but I’m in no rush.  I know I will get there and I hope I will stay there.  I want to be able to teach my children about being healthy and happy.  I read a great article today- http://www.mothering.com/articles/body_soul/bodywise/body-beautiful.html via a blog http://theshapeofamother.com- that talks about magazines and hollywood standards.  Society is really sick and Hollywood puts so much pressure on all of us.  It hadn’t occured to me that I need to be aware of what my children see when we are out, what they see on the news and in print.  Obviously I don’t need to worry quite yet and Thank God I don’t have girls (because society is so much harder on women).

Today’s 4 friends:

One of my friends is running a marathon tomorrow- 13 mths after having twins- now that is one damn powerful woman!  I would LOVE to be able to do that BUT I’m not a runner and I never have been.  I’m a walker…so maybe one day I’ll get myself together and do a walk for a cause.  Who wants to join me?  I need a “buddy.”

I was out with one of my friends today and she ordered the fried chicken sandwich when I ordered the grilled…and then she made a snide comment about me being on weight watchers.  I like the grilled better!!! AND I ordered large fries!  Weight Watchers doesn’t define me! I’m also addicted to oreos!

One of my friends has 3 month old twins and she had her perfect (skinny, little) body back 2 weeks after they were born.  She doesn’t have a single stretch mark either! I can’t help but feel jealous when I’m with her…BUT I never looked like her and I never will, twins or not.

One of my best friends joined a gym- her little one is almost a year now- and I gave her a hard time.  I was trying to be funny and instead I was mean.  I didn’t realize it until she pointed it out…and of course it was via email which is always worse!  She said she couldn’t blame her weight on her baby anymore…and I told her she could “blame the fritos.”  What the hell was I thinking?  Can I blame it on sleep deprivation?  Nope, just stupidity and not thinking.  Here’s the thing….she looks great! And that is what I should have reminded her of but nope I didn’t.  I can imagine if we were reversed, I’d probably be upset about the comment all day and maybe even all week.  I can be such a jerk!  Do you think she will forgive me? 

Ok….maybe 1 made me feel good, 2 made me feel bad and I made one feel bad.

I can’t tell you how important weight watchers is to me.  I’ve found the right group!  I go at 8:30 Saturday mornings now and it’s jam packed- and with people just like me!  There are so many moms and dads who know exactly what I’m going through.  We shared our successes today and there were so many- I lost 2.6 pounds last week which is unbelievable considering I thought I’d lapsed.  I’m up to 12.2 lost since restarting ww a few weeks ago- and 60+ pounds lost in total.  I have four pounds left to go to get to my pre-preggo weight which does NOT equal pre-preggo body for sure.

BUT, here’s the most important reason why I love weight watchers- the people! Yes, I go to the meetings every week.  I have to go for the accountability and I need to stay for the support.  Today, as I looked around I realized something interesting.  There is always a lifetime member who looks AWESOME- and I want to be her/him.  There is always a new member who needs help- and I want to share my tips. There is always someone 2-3x my size- and I never want to be them.  AND there is always someone just like me- and their ideas help me.

Today there was a man- close to 350-400 pounds I’d guess- and he shared that he’d cut out soda last week and drank only water (with one splurge of a single diet coke).  I was so impressed that he was there (and with his very overweight tween/teen daughter as well)- and that he’d mustered the courage to come out and join.  He is a very redneck/slow guy and seemed to be lacking in the socialization department- BUT, he came!  He cares enough about himself and his family to make a difference.  HE lost 3 pounds last week and he didn’t think he did very well.  OMG! I lost 2.6 and I was floored by my success.  Typically after the first 2-3 weeks you see losses of 1 pound or less (which is healthy).  I hope he stays in this group because I can’t wait to watch his success!

*warning-graphic description*

I don’t really hate myself BUT my husband thinks I do.  I pump for my twins five times a day and my husband is home during at least one of those times.  I usually meet him in the bathroom around 1030pm just after my final pumping and we brush our teeth together- gotta love double sinks!  My body has been changing so much since having twins 4 months ago and I am always freakishly infatuated with the sight of my torso. 

At first it was the zebra like stretch mark stripes and then it was the low hanging skin on my left side and now it is mostly the kangaroo like shelf of skin that hangs…apparently weight loss makes it look even worse!  So around 1030pm, when we meet to brush our teeth, I check myself out in the wall of mirror and comment on the delightful sight.  I don’t say things to get him to comment, I simply cannot believe the sight of my body…I’m not even at the point of depression or sadness over it…I’m simply SHOCKED that it’s actually ME that I’m looking at.

DH says I beat myself up and I need to be nicer to myself.  I’m not sure I’ve ever been nice to myself and I’m not sure I’ll ever live up to my own standards.  Now, that’s depressing.  How do you like your body?

I NEVER dreamed I’d be one of those people to say “I lost 57 pounds in 2008.”  The truth is I’ve now lost at least 57 pounds in 2008 and hope to lose another 10-20 in the next couple months.  I’ve been going to weight watchers for 5 years now (on and off) and it always cracks me up to read the employee name tags- “Hi I’m Jan and I lost 90 pounds in 1999.”  I was never going to be one of thooooosssseeee people…but EUREKA I am one of those people now! 

I have struggled with my weight for years! When I was in highschool it was COOL to be anorexic so at 18 and 5ft 10 I weighed in at 125 which was still considered “fat.”  I did a sport every season and on the weekends I would run (for fun) with my friends and then binge on salad with vinegar.  My first year of college was the best ever- I started eating out (and drinking) and went from a size 4 to a size 14 in one school year!!  Over the years I regained control and during my first year out of college I was a “lifetime” member at weight watchers and looked awesome!  The only problem is that I think that NOW and I didn’t think that THEN.    My husband says I need to stop beating myself up…but that’s for another post.

Back to the BIG 57.  I had a big help- I expelled 2 babies, a placenta and lots of blood and water.  And I have been breastfeeding/pumping for 4 months now (not to mention that I’m always juggling two babies and don’t have much time to eat).  I did get back on weight watchers 3 weeks ago when I started to plateau and I lost 8 pounds right away.  Now I have about 8 pounds to go before my pre-preggo weight.

So here’s the deal- weight watchers works for me, it always has and hopefully it always will.  I have to write down everything I eat or else I will LIE to myself about what I’ve eaten and I will cheat.  But the other thing is that I really really have to WANT to lose weight and commit to it or else I will be wasting my time.

Finally I’m a Big Loser…big…HUGE! Go me!