Overachievers
*Disclaimer- I do NOT mean to offend anyone with this post! I look up to my friends who are sahms and wonder how the hell they can do it. I am impressed with women who can make their decisions about breastfeeding, working and childcare without a second thought and without feeling guilty…I want to be like you ladies!
Today was a rough day at the office…I started working 3 days a week about a month ago (after being out for 6months on bedrest and then caring for my newborn twins).
While I was out:I got a(nother) new boss- I think my 8th in 3 years. Our suite of services got revamped. Our pricing completely changed. My sales team lost a few key players and gained a bunch of new faces. Team morale went from good to not so good.
So, here I am, returning to a job I loved and that I was DAMN good at…and it’s not what it used to be. AND, I’m not what I used to be! I used to be an OVERACHIEVER in every sense of the word. I wanted to have the most calls of anyone on my team, I wanted to close more deals than anyone, I wanted to get my face in front of all the prospects at conferences all over the US. My husband would come home from work (sometimes as late ast 7:30pm) and find me still working almost every day. My hours were always 830am-5pm but somewhere along the way I started working overtime and it drove my husband nuts….BUT I wanted to be the best!
Everything is different now- I don’t want to travel at all (how do I pump and store the milk while at a networking conference?), I can’t work late ever because the nanny works from 8am to 5 sharp, I’m ok making less calls and closing fewer deals after all I only work 3 days a week now.
Here’s the thing- I still expect myself to be the best and so do others. I still want to work late even though I can’t. AND even worse I’m still not sure I want to be working at all! My husband said that if I wanted to be a sahm, we’d make it work…he’d get a second job and work nights and weekends. Though I am touched by his sincere promise, I couldn’t bare the idea of making him work more hours and have him away from the babies (and me) more than he already is- and he’d have to work a TON to make up for my income or to even get us to a break even point. I also don’t know if I could survive as a sahm…I think I’d go NUTZ! I love the hunt and kill of a sale…and I need it to build up my soul (ok I know crazy salesperson here) and feel worthy as a breadwinner. I love my babies more than anything in the whole world but I’m not sure I’m good at taking care of babies 24/7…and I fear I’d be doing them a dis-service by not working (I want to prove to them and myself that I can do EVERYTHING….when will I stop feeling that way?).
Why is there so much pressure on women- to be a sahm, to keep working, to want to be a sahm, to juggle career and kids, to breastfeed, to get back in shape right away, to sleep 1 hour a night and still get up and shower and put on makeup???? I was an overachiever in my former life. Now, I am not quite sure what I am. I do know that I am WAY TO HARD on myself but only because people tell me that every 5 minutes (I’m trying to listen to you all, I promise). My husband says I need at least an hour to myself every day to decompress or do whatever the hell I want- so far I haven’t figured that out- I made progress yesterday and went out on the porch, closed the door, popped open a beer and read my book for 30 uninterrupted minutes (necessity seeing that I joined a book club and have until Saturday to read 480+ pages!!!)
How can I train myself to accept myself just the way I am? How can I take it easy on myself and settle for less than perfect? I’ve stopped making the bed every morning. The laundry doesn’t get folded or put away the day it’s done…sometimes bibs go from dryer to baby without being put away inbetween! I want to make decisions and be happy with them. I want to be good at my job, spend enough time with my babies, learn how to be a great mom and enjoy my marriage. Is that too much to ask?
